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Jan. 21st, 2012

Eye of ra

Closing this section of my life.....

On my ride home I had plenty of time to think. And think of a lot I did. I came to a conclusion.......By keeping this journal alive, I keep the pain with me. Yes, it is great to have to read when I need that extra push or to not hate. But the truth is the more I keep writing here about pain and suffering, the more hold he has on me. I need to stop writing about him and mourn its death.
I have stopped all communication with him and even went as far as to block him on fb so that I don't see his happy joy free posting or flirting. I removed all pictures (even deleted from my computer and phone. No getting them back), email addys, numbers and texts. I know how I function and if given the smallest chance, I would fall all over again. I cant, never again put myself in someone else hands to do as they please with. I know my limits and I made sure that my life was without contact.
The memories will remain and the thought of the once great love we had. But that's it. And in order to move forward I have to close this chapter.
By ending this journal I do just that. Now of course, my writing will still be a bit of dark, light, emo, and just plain deathly. That was me before and even though it has lay hidden, it will come out. But there will be nothing more about him.
For those of you that want to be friends on my new journal, please, message me and I will send you the link. For the rest of you, the ride was fun while it lasted.


Jan. 18th, 2012

Eye of ra

(no subject)

Jan. 16th, 2012

Eye of ra


1. To let go of all emotions. If not, then they keep control over you.

2. Open your eyes and see your self for the beauty you are. Not what he made you think you were.
3. Hold your head high, empty your heart and embrace what you can not change.

4. Learn that just because you are alone does not mean you are lonely.

This past week has been amazing! I am coming back. I am finding myself again and above all I am completely in love with myself!!!!! <3

Jan. 14th, 2012

Eye of ra

catch and release......

I sent an email.

One returned.

*breaths* thank goodness I now know the whole picture. And I am grateful to smile knowing I made the perfect choice.

*beams* life begins now!

Jan. 12th, 2012

Fems friend

My NEW New Year List.....

So here I sit thinking wow! Less then a handful of days and everything has changed. Everything that was just a few days ago are now gone.
My new years list was pretty simple in Dec. Move to Miami for him, find a good job and start living the life I want.
Hmmmmmmmm yeah, not now.
So with the hand I have been dealt with I am making a NEW new year list. One made from me-for me!
1.} Get myself back in shape for the summer. I am ready to go to the beach and sport a new bikini. SO this means diet and working out as much as my days will allow. I can walk a lot with Jake so that will help.

2.} Get my plastic surgery. Since I am no longer going to be a vessel for a child, for anyone anymore, I figured it is time to make the changes I want and make them now. I know of two things I want as of now, but having the consultation will give me a better of idea on just where I want to go with this.

3.} Move. Its time to get off this island and try something new, far away so that I will NEVER be tempted again to fall for any BS hanging around. Not sure on where but I figure it will hit me soon enough where I want to land.

4.} Finish my AA and then start my AS as a vet tech. This is what I want and now there is nothing stopping me from gaining these.

The above are the major ones. There are of course many small things that will be over the course of the days............

1.} Spend more time with my kids. They are the ONLY thing in life that is real to me now.
2.} Spend more time with the rescues. I have meet some really amazing people on there and it is time that I start socializing with like minded people in that area.
3.} Smile as much as the Goddess above will allow me! Yes, right now there are moments of failure in this, but each day brings me stronger then before.
4.} Become myself again. This means getting back into the BDSM, D/s, the beach, day trips, the sun, friends, and simply enjoying the person I am.
5.} Adjusting my own attitude. This means not allowing people to effect me as I have allowed. This also means NEVER allowing someone as close as I have.

I am sure there are more and as each day passes I will place them in the vault of my mind and do my very best to live them out as I can.

I said 2012 was going to be my bitch................So let the games begin!


Jul. 8th, 2011

Eye of ra

My bday....

So tomorrow is my bday. I have mixed feelings about it. I have wonderful friends that have made sure to make this weekend fun and enjoyable and I am looking forward to it. However this will be the first one alone. This was meant to be the best day with the one I loved, yet it will not be.
So I am a bit torn and unsure.
Then there is the thought that yet another bday is going to come and go and what do I really have for my love life? Now the rest of my life is going wonderful but here I sit, alone.
Maybe this is just the way of things and I should learn to enjoy it and adjust my path of thinking.

Jul. 7th, 2011

Eye of ra

E.E Cummings 1955

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

Jul. 2nd, 2011

Eye of ra


I love it when it rains.
The sound of the thunder as it crashes against the wind.
The sudden flash of lighting so close you can almost touch it.
Both seem to be in a heated disagreement with one another.
It reminds me of a relationship at its end.
Then the rain falls down-tears on the land.
Sometimes rivers flood over with the saddness.
The earth shifts as the water reachs its core and there seems to be no peace in the sky.
But then, the tears begin to stop falling all at one time.
Slowly coming to a stop.
The thunder and lighting part ways and the clouds remain.
At this moment is when hope makes it display.
Hope not only for the sun to rise once more, but for the fallen moment.
Hope that now the rain has fallen, the fight has accured, now the healing begins.
The tears make it as if the whole earth is being washed away of all its sins and faults.
Giving it a chance to renew itself, makes amends, and start fresh when the sun returns.
And the sun does return.
As it always does, and as it always will.

However bright the moment is, remember always that in order to blaze in the glory of the sun, one must accept that there will be days that the rain will fall.

Jun. 30th, 2011

Eye of ra

Self lesson 1


Each person no matter who they are carries a bit of this with them. Some more then others of course. Some show while others keep it hidden. But the fact is it is there.
There is a up a d down. There is a black and white, a lie to every truth. And a smile for every frown.
When a person faces a challenge they look at the possible down side. Some forget the up side. Sometimes the challenge is so enormous That we forget where the up side is.
The simple thing is that in the end of what ever life throws at us we are ultimately responsible for our ending action. We can view all the sides of the box And prepare for everything we can think of but it is left in our hands how we accept it.
Take this new life I have I decided to point out everyday the positive things to myself.
I have a good job.
I have my health.
I have my lil demons.
I Have friends at work, out of work and gaining back lost ones.
I have a nice home and money in the bank.
I have great parents who are there for me no matter what.
I have the car I want in the driveway.
And most of all I have unlimited amounts of laughter and smiles.
To many this is pretty basic. But to someone facing each day with a broken heart and a new path in life that is pretty damn good.
I don't smile all the time. There are moments when my darkness creeps up and smacks the shit out of me. And I do allow it. I Get through the moment feel what I need and push forward. Because this is life. I know that in time I no longer will feel that darkness and that is my positive.
So I am learning That I can be the prepared one yet still smile because the truth boils down to this is now my life, my choices and my outcomes. I really can and will make it all I want.

Jun. 29th, 2011

Eye of ra

Whew! A busy day!

Ok so Yeah busy busy BUSY day!

First there was work. Have to love over time. Will come in handy for the upcoming cruise.

Next there was the cable waiting game. I swear why have an appointment if you Can't keep it? I only live on a 2x4 mile island! Smh and laughs.

Then the unpacking. Ummm yeah, I have a LOT of books. I think I will buy myself a kindle for my upcoming bday. :-)

After that discovery I had dinner with a good friend. Ok here is where the conversation got a Tad deep. He asked what was it about a FTM/TG I liked and why not just date a male?
Sigh. How do I begin to explain this? I have before and I don't think my answer changes much, maybe add a bit more.
So here was my answer...........
First of all a FTM/TG is the best of both worlds (ok maybe not the male big headedness but you kind of get the idea.)
Now with that said let me explain it a wee more. The best of both worlds means I get the male thinking but has the knowledge of really truly knowing what a female needs and wants.
Then there is the attitude. Omg drools. It is something that they are born with and enhances with time. Its the way they carry themselves when they enter a room. The look on their body becomes straighter, their movements become protective and even though people are starring and making comments in whispers they hold their heads high.
Its their walk. Something about That stride as they pass by makes me weak. Its the movements of their feet hitting the ground as if they own the road.
Ohhhhhh then its the way they stand proud beside their woman. This comes from the fact that not a moment goes by he is not thankful for the love and support of her. For her understanding and acceptance of the person he is.
And the love making can not even be put into words. There plays the factor of the best of both worlds. He can touch simple yet start a inferno.
But most of all its the strength they carry no matter where or what they are doing. From working at their job to fixing things around the house. They home so much pride. I know This comes from the world they face everyday. They turn to the sun every morning only to have the sun turn away with lack of understanding. All Because they are being true to themselves with out regret. Simply amazing in my eyes.
So yeah, add all That up and wow! You have an amazing man that shoes his true self every day to the world and protects his woman with his very life.
Leaves me in awe each a d every time I see it.
Left my friend a bit speechless ;-)

Oh lets not forget the way interesting conversation with my mother. Yeah I can say her traits have impacted my life. That for sure will be a change made on my part starting now! :-(

Now after enlightening my friend I decided that a nice hot shower to remove the day and a good writing was in order.

I would have to say a very productive day!

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